Ellie,
If you only knew how much we love you. If you only knew. If you only knew how much we think about you, pray over you, sacrifice for you. If you only knew how much joy we get from seeing your smiling face in the morning…rubbing your eyes and telling us it’s time to get up. If you only knew how we hear your alarm and brace ourselves for your morning hugs – which pack so much love and emotion you squeeze tears out of us. If you only knew how you have captured our hearts and how our lives have changed because you are in them. If you only knew. If you only knew how much we long for you to know your true worth – beyond beauty or popularity or material possessions. If you only knew how beautiful and lovely and valuable and special and unique and talented and intelligent and clever and creative and needed and wanted and loved you really are. To us. To your family. To your friends. To Jesus. If you only knew.
In five short years we have seen you grow into a young lady who is generous, kind, heartfelt, loving, sensitive, inquisitive, creative, spunky, energetic, vivacious and a tad bit crazy (in a good way). You want to give more than have. You want to write and draw and paint and create. You imagine the most amazing things, like traveling to every country in the world and telling people to stop fighting in wars because the people on the other side are brothers and daughters and mommies and daddies. You care about people you have never met and are broken by the idea of God’s creatures being hurt. You share your food, your toys, your time and your love. You give away things that are immensely special to you because you know that people are more important than things. You get joy from giving. You do headstands anywhere and everywhere. You have a rather loud and beautiful voice and belt out songs like you are on stage – with no shame or embarrassment or timidity. You love your brothers more than life itself, but always make it known that you love God even more. You long for heaven and let us know often that you are waiting for the day when you will be there.
You are precious and there are no words to describe how much we love you. Happy birthday Baby Girl!
Ellie - 1 year old
Ellie - 2 years old
Ellie - 3 years old
Ellie - 4 years old
This year I got to take Ellie to the ballet for a special birthday celebration. She sat wide eyed as the Sugar Plum Fairy and the Nutcracker danced and twirled and jumped. She was amazed as it began snowing on stage. She loved it. I loved it. It was great. Then she hosted a Royal Tea Party for her family and friends. It was quite the celebration. And just as a side note…She used blankets to turn her bottom bunk into a fort and the first thing she said as she woke up on her birthday: “If anyone wants to climb in bed and cuddle with me, I’ll share my fort with them.” I think she was looking forward to the day that we woke up and celebrated her all day.
Mommy and Ellie dressed up for the Nutcracker
In front of the Oregon Ballet Theater poster at the Keller Auditorium, all dressed up
Hostess and Birthday Girl - at her Royal Tea Party
Sipping her "tea" (Hot Cocoa)
Enjoying the handle of her teacup cake
Ellie is a great gift receiver - she makes the best excited faces and she really and truly is thankful. Gotta love that!
Happy birthday Princess!!
Little Miss Claudia
Isn’t she such a beautiful girl?? A beautiful carefree little 4 year old girl. A girl who loves to sing and dance and ride her bike.
But last Tuesday her legs began to hurt. Wedensday she went to the doctor. Thursday she had extensive blood tests. Friday she had bone marrow tests. And Friday evening she was experiencing her first of many chemotherapy treatments. Claudia has been diagnosed with ALL Leukemia.
Please pray for strength and rest for Becki in the days, months, and years to come, that she can juggle homeschooling Nick while keeping Claudia safe, and still have quality mom time for all 3 of our precious children. Pray that Claudia can have understanding beyond her 4 years of age, and cooperate with taking her medicines, to be able to come home, stay home, and continue on the healing road that God has illuminated before her.
Pray for patience for Nicholas and Claire that they will not feel jealous of the extra attention that Claudia will receive, but rather that God will instill in them servant hearts and great compassion.
Please pray for me that I will be a strong leader and always keep our thoughts and actions moving in a positive direction. Also that I will always, completely trust in our Lord Jesus to keep my Claudia safe; and that she will do mighty works for God in her looooooong life ahead!
I’ve been gone a while. Not from my home or from my family, but from myself. I must admit that I’m weird right now and I’m not really sure why. But I have found that honesty has a way of getting my head clear, so I’ve decided to make a few confessions. Here goes.
1. I have not read my bible, or anyone else’s, since my trip to California the first weekend in November. I push it to the side and choose to do other things. True, my life has been crazy busy, but I have chosen for it to be that way. And, honestly, for most of the days I haven’t read it – it hasn’t really bothered me. However, when you look at my attitude and my demeanor, you can definitely see the results.
2. I am unbelievably impatient with my children. It’s like a disease that infects my entire being – head to toe and everything in between. I snap and lecture and yell. I have a very, very, very short fuse and I let loose on my kids. And this is not just a normal “Mom” kind of impatience. It’s a beast. And what’s worse, I think my disease has infected them as well. They are irritable and snippy and they argue constantly. I am doing a terrible job.
3. I ate chocolate by the spoonful today. A lot of spoonfuls. My truffle filling got too hard, so I kept it for my stress unduced snacks. I should throw it away but I can’t bring myself to it.
4. When my kids were arguing today, I gave them jobs to do. The more they argued the more jobs they got. Then they argued while they were doing the jobs they had to do for arguing – so I gave them more. They cleaned up my dining room, put away all of Shiloh’s toys, put away the laundry, emptied the bag we brought in from the car and rearranged the books on the bookshelves. A lot of my chores got crossed off my list because they were arguing. Secretly, I wanted them to argue more.
5. I weigh 163 pounds. That’s right. It’s my confession. 18 pounds more than my goal. I work my a** off at the gym every morning, but my a** is not coming off. It’s frustrating and depressing and may be one reason I’ve been so stressed.
6. I’m pretty sure I think every Sunday about going to a new church. Imago Dei Vancouver is enticing me. I want to be challenged and inspired. I want to be living in the midst of what I believe in, not in the midst of what I fight against. I am constantly having an internal struggle with my church because I am inherently so different. And yet that church is filled with people I love so much. And yet (again) I still end up feeling lonely and unsatisfied and a little disappointed whenever I go there.
7. This is the conversation I had with my husband Saturday night at Starbucks:
Colin: You know something I’ve noticed? Whenever you find something you love or want to do you go after it. But as soon as someone comments on it or compliments you for it you immediately want to stop doing it.
Me: What’s your point?
Colin: Why do you do that?
Me: Because I hate feeling like I have to live up to someone else’s expectations of who I am or what I should be doing. I don’t like people trying to put me in a box. It’s too much pressure.
Colin: You know that you don’t actually have to live in any box you think someone is trying to put you in, right? Those boxes are created in your head and only you can make yourself fit in a box? Their expectations don’t mean anything. You know that you can live free of that, right?
Me: No.
Colin: Seriously? You don’t realize that other people’s ideas of what you should do or who you are have no bearing on you? I couldn’t live that way. I’d go crazy.
Me: Now you see why I’m crazy.
8. I have not blogged in over a month (thoughts, not just pictures), because I’m not really doing that well and my thoughts are all jumbled, and I have been afraid that if I write too many blogs like that I’ll just depress people and they’ll stop reading.
9. I think I’m severely socially inept. I’m probably not, but that’s how I feel. Whenever I leave an event one of my first thoughts is usually, “They probably think I’m an idiot! Why did I say ______? I was way too weird.” My husband says people appreciate me. People say they appreciate me. But somehow I still think these other things.
10. I watch Friends every single day. That’s right, every day. You know why? Because I want friends like that. Ones that live across the hall and walk in without knocking. Ones that eat breakfast at my house regularly and hang out all the time. I want that community. That way of being involved in each other’s lives so much that there is no “Your Life” and “My Life” but just “Life”. I want the kind of depth of relationship their friendships have. I miss that. And I want to live in New York City.
So there it is. A few of the many confessions I need to make. It’s out there now. All my dirty laundry. Actually my dirty laundry is all over my bedroom floor. There’s another confession.
There is a friend out there. She knows me. Through and through. She has seen me at my worst and loved me. She has seen me at my best and said she was proud. She remembers years ago, when I was different. She is so much like me, yet so different. She cried when she saw my first baby. She new I was expecting my second one before I even spoke the words. She is at home in my home and I in hers. She beats me at pinochle nearly every time we play. She knows how I take my coffee and when I need it. She used to show up at my house mid morning, unannounced and hang out for hours (and I loved it). She helped raise my kids and show them that you don’t need to be family to be family. She can see something at the store and know I will like it (and she’s right every time). She knows how I’ll react to a sermon or a news story or someone’s opinion. She is way better at talking on the phone than me. She is very, very courageous. She was my social planner, inviting people to my house for summer parties, barbeques and dinners. She is my sounding board. She has unpacked my kitchen in just about every house I’ve moved into because she knows where I’d put things. She goes out of her way to see me. She is persistent, in a good way. She understands my organizational fixations. She loves my family as if it were her own, because it kind of is. She is one of the few people on this planet that I never, ever, ever have to pretend with. I can be myself completely and I know she’ll love me and accept me anyway. I can make stupid jokes and she’ll laugh. I can cry and she’ll know what to say. I can rant about something and she’ll gently bring perspective without judging me at all. It’s freeing. I can be me completely. Because she knows me. Through and through. And she loves me anyway.
I miss her. And some days I wonder if I’ll ever find friendship like that again. If I’ll ever feel as safe with someone, to just be me with no hesitations. (Don’t misunderstand, she’s not dead. She just moved to another state.) I sit here some mornings just waiting for my friend to drive up, unpack her kids, walk in and pour herself a cup of coffee. But I’m not the kind of person who is good at making those friendships. I’m actually incredibly terrible at it. Remember, she’s persistent. She is the one who made this friendship. And thank goodness she did. But I am not so good at things like that. I would feel like I’m forcing myself on someone. Like I’m bothering them. Like I’m a nuisance. I’m just not courageous enough to do that. Even though I want that connection and friendship and community so badly. Do they call that a Catch-22? Or is it Murphy’s Law? Either way, it is paralyzing. And sad. That’s how I feel right now as I sit here in the cold with my water bottle and my Tylenol while everyone else in my family sleeps.
I’ve been neglecting blogging lately. I admit it. Life has gotten away from me and sicknesses have been running rampant in our house. So, to appease you all, here are a few pictures to show you what we are up to.
Shiloh's Birthday Sundae at Red Robin...He loved it!
He also loved his balloons. Even though we clipped them to his shirt!
He did not, however, care for his birthday cake. Oh well!
Payton and Ellie chose rainbow balloons for his birthday theme, so I made an "UP" cake.
The birthday boy's sign
Grandma Bonnie's surprise birthday party
She was very surprised! And overwhelmed.
The party planners and the birthday girl (minus Aunt Bobbie)
My boys asleep in the car, after a 4 hour drive (it was 11pm)
Our Family...in our element
What I'm thankful for!
Sitting by our favorite climbing tree
Other than that, we’ve been staying in jammies and sweats and fighting off lots of sicknesses. Now…off to laundry and packing for the holiday weekend. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
WARNING: I am about to rant. Put your thick skin on. This might upset some of you.
I am constantly amazed that Christians will turn off their porch light, lock their doors and make their houses look empty on Halloween. All for the sake of “Taking A Stand” against the “evil” that is this day. Oh yes, I know that bad things happen on Halloween. People dress up like dead things or killers or spirits. That’s not good. I get it. The scary movie trailers give me the creeps too, and I want to rip those Scream masks off anyone I see wearing one. But, let’s get past what the world makes of this day and see it for what it is.
In other words, get over yourselves. No one needs the stand you are taking. People know Halloween has to do with dead things and killers and evil stuff. Your dark house and barren porch do not make anyone “see the light” about this day. It is just another house people skip and another conversation you miss out on. Nice stand.
Instead, let’s see what this day really is. Past the masks and candy and fake blood, this is the only day of the year that flocks of your neighbors walk up to your door, ring your bell and ask you for something. They smile and talk to you and tell you what all of their children are dressed up like. They open their doors to you (should you be knocking on them) and offer you something sweet, along with a smile and a some nice words, usually. They prepare their doorsteps for your arrival. They get their treats ready for you. They welcome your intrusion. They want you to come. People don’t freak out when you speak to their children on Halloween. They encourage their kids to speak, teach them to be polite and show them what it means to interact with neighbors.
Yeah, that sounds evil to me. Why are we so afraid of it? Why do we run and hide? Why don’t we throw open our doors and engage people in conversation. Ask them how they are doing. Show interest in their lives. Even if it is a dreadful holiday that brought them to our door, the fact still remains that THEY ARE AT OUR DOOR!!!!!! Take advantage of it. LOVE THEM!!
Last night we opened our garage (much like we did when we lived in Olympia) to welcome the trick or treaters and their parents. We served coffee, cookies and cider. Our kids handed out candy and literally ran up and down the driveway waiting for the next trick or treaters. They watched us talk with neighbors and strangers. They witnessed us offer what we have to people we don’t know. They spoke with people about their costumes. And people were taken aback. Surprised that we would think of parents on a night that is for kids. Honestly, we didn’t get many trick or treaters, but we tried to love the ones that came. Even if it was only 20 or so. We also reverse trick or treated. We brought pumpkin bread loaves that Ellie and I made when we went house to house and we gave them to our neighbors. They seemed shocked and genuinely grateful that we would think to give on a night of taking.
Now, I admit that I don’t love perfectly, or even well. But I think we need to try. And letting what the world has made Halloween into change who we are or how we treat people is ridiculous. Why does this world get to take October 31st as it’s own? Why does it make Christians, who have the Spirit of the Living God dwelling in them, shrink back and cower in their darkened houses? Why can’t we love people as much on Halloween as we do on Christmas?
Seriously.
And on that note, here are some cute pics of my little trick or treaters.
Payton the Dinosaur
Ellie the Magical Rainbow Unicorn
Shiloh the Cutest Lion Ever
Unicorn, Darth Vader, Dinosaur, Princess Leia and Lion
Princess Leia with our Candy Passer Outers
Colin being Colin
This year's pumpkins - Payton's pumpkin is angry and mean, and Ellie's pumpkin is scared of it.
In my never ending quest to find new creative outlets, I have began my own little clothing design projects. It all began as a way to save money by turning the inexpensive plain clothing I found at consigment shops into fancy stuff my kids would want. Then I realized I like coming up with new designs. And I like the process of creating things. And I like stitching a little bit of me into every piece of clothing I make. I decided to make a few onesies for a friend’s baby shower, seeing as they would be a personal, inexpensive and special gift. I got quite a response, and may have been asked by everyone in the room if I sold them on a website. So I decided to cave to peer pressure and sell them.
If you know me you probably know that I strive in any way I can to be conscious of what products I’m using and how it affects the world we live in. And this new endeavor is no different. The felt used in my designs is made of recycled plastic water bottles. The shirts and bodysuits I use are upcycled – bought at local consignment stores and made into new designs. That way they do not end up in landfills and new products do not have to be manufactured.
I’ll be adding more items as I make them. If you have the time, please stop by my storefront over at Etsy. Here are a few of my products:
Reduce Reuse Recycle
Blue Birdie
Love Oregon
Poppies
Harrah, WA
There is a town about 30 minutes outside of Yakima, Washington. It is nestled between patchwork squares of green and brown and yellow. It is a typical small town in many ways. There is a corner market, a cafe and a park. There are kids riding buses and trains passing by loaded down with grain. If you look from the outside, Harrah is pretty average.
But there is so much more that goes unseen. Loneliness. Depression. Hunger. Poverty. Alchoholism. Harrah is a town that is hurting and in need. It is part of the Yakama Nation Reservation and many residents are Native American. It is also populated by farmers, ranchers and the many day laborers that keep the farms and ranches running. As with so many tiny little towns today, they are struggling to make ends meet, keep businesses afloat and preserve their way of life.
The tribe respects and reveres their elders, but cannot provide for them. They find themselves without food, firewood and income. Many youth are without hope of furthering their education or breaking the cycle of alchoholism that is so prevalent. But, worst of all, they find that life is a hopeless and painful endeavor.
The middle school and high school students in our church will be traveling to Harrah November 5th to try to bring hope to the hopeless and food to the hungry. They will be chopping firewood for Yakama elders to get them through the winter. They will be providing food and warm clothing for families in need. And they will be doing various work projects around the community. Summit View youth have been traveling to Harrah each November for many years, and have built relationships with churches in the community as well as members of the Yakama Nation.
As they gear up for this trip, they are asking for help. Kids and families in the Harrah community are in desperate need of clothing and food. This is where YOU can help! There are a few things you can do to help this community right from your very home, school and church. You don’t even have to live in Vancouver for some of them!!
1. Call your local schools and ask if they would be willing to donate the clothing in their lost and found bins. Most schools donate lost and found items a few times a year. Pick up the clothing items and bring them to Summit View Church before November 5th. There will be collection bins in the lobby on Sunday mornings, or you can drop them at the office during the week.
2. Search your closets and weed out any clothing items you or your kids don’t need (including winter coats). Bring them to Summit View and leave in the office or Sunday morning donation bins.
3. On your next trip to the grocery store, buy some extra non-perishable items (crackers, noodles, cereal, canned food, granola bars, etc…). Bring them to Summit View and leave in the office or Sunday morning donation bins.
4. IF YOU DON’T LIVE IN VANCOUVER, go to Safeway.com or Amazon.com and order some non-perishable foods. Specify the food to be delivered to Summit View Church office, Monday – Friday between 9AM and 5PM (before November 5th). This is a simple an easy way to help even if you live thousands of miles away.
Summit View Church is located at 7701 NE 182nd Avenue, Vancouver, WA 98682. If you have questions you can call the church office at (360) 260-8300 and ask to speak with Jon (the high school pastor) about the upcoming trip to Harrah. You can also comment here with your questions and I’ll do my best to find answers.
Please consider helping our teens bring hope to this community.
I have officially entered my 30’s. That’s right…I’m ancient. Ok, not ancient, per say, but older than I’ve ever been. I’m a grown up. Like my mom. Is that possible??
Thanks to my husband and some other very stellar people, I had a wonderful induction into the 30’s.
After my last post you probably thought I would never leave my house again. Or at least not with children. But on your birthday, you do what you gotta do, you know? So after I woke up as a bright-eyed 31 year old, I packed up the kiddos and headed out the door. Well, first I got one of the best birthday presents ever. My baby girl crept out of her room when her alarm went off, found me at the computer and smothered me with a hug. Then she said, “Happy Birthday Mommy!! You can do anything you want today. You can even have pumpkin pie for breakfast.” Thanks Ellie.
My wonderful friend Eryn (thank you Eryn!!) volunteered to watch my younger two ALL DAY for me (for those of you who don’t know, to people on a school schedule “all day” means until school is out). I dropped off Payton at school and ran the other two over to Eryn’s house. I was so excited to have a day to myself, and had no idea what to do with it. I wanted to kiss her feet as I left, but I was afraid she’d think that was weird. Well, I am weird, but at that moment I was just grateful.
Suddenly I could breathe deeper, drive slower and think clearer. I was kid-free. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. But I love my time without them as well. It does not happen often.
So what did I do, you ask? I headed to the gym. In the middle of the morning. And I didn’t even have to check anyone into the kids club. I spent a little quality time with the elliptical machine, lifted some weights until I was tired of counting to 15 in sets of three, then headed home.
When I got home it was quiet. Weird. No shouting or whining or crashes. So I did what any other mom with a free day would do when she gets home from the gym. I ate a piece of pumpkin pie. In the middle of the morning. And I didn’t even have to share a bite with anyone. After all, Ellie said I could. The day was getting better by the minute.
So I spent a few hours of cleaning (that’s right, cleaning), getting things done that are impossible to do with children around (like laundry and Facebook), listening to music super duper loud and watching Friends. What a great day. Yes, cleaning is great for me. Especially after a week of having the hubby home. Everything was out of place and dusty and grimy and sticky and covered in petrified Cheerios. I do not work well in that environment. So for my birthday present to myself, I cleaned the house. While I was doing this I got periodically interrupted by some of my very favorite high school students in the whole world, who were delivering roses every hour or so from my husband. Thanks guys. And I’m sad that I missed some of you when I was out.
Then, after a little Old Navy shopping, I made the rounds to pick up my kids. By the way, did I say yet that I love Eryn?? When I got home my husband was already there, with more roses for me. What a sweetie. The kids played for a bit while I figured out where I wanted to go for dinner. Yup, we tried it again. But this time with a little more planning. We picked Chevy’s because my kids love mexican food and could gorge themselves on chips and salsa, thus making it hard to complain. We also decided that Shiloh is big enough for the high chair, and brought toys and treats for him to enjoy. The experience was made even better when a man came by our table making balloon animals. Only he was AMAZING!! He made Payton a T-rex and Ellie a Stegosaurus. He entertained the kids while we ordered and waited for our food. Every restaurant needs a balloon guy. Then, after Payton told him it was my birthday, he made me a balloon crown, complete with red jewels.
After dinner came, by far, the best part of my 31st birthday. Elementary School Skate Night. Payton was begging to go, and to be honest, I wanted to go too. I love skating. Or, I did when I was a kid. I had my birthday party at Skate World every year in elementary school. So it was perfect to spend my birthday at a skating rink. If only they had a private room for us with a cake and presents wrapped in the comics I would have felt like I was 9 again!
I thought it would probably be hard for Payton and Ellie to skate. After all, they had never done it before and they still are pretty young. And it was hard. But they loved it. Payton struggled his way around the rink by himself, smiling all the while. And falling every 3 feet. And Ellie held my hand for most of it. She decided her skates were too slippery and the floor was too hard, but she loved it anyway. She decided halfway through that she was done and I led her to Colin who was with Shiloh on the side. Then I skated back out to find Pate. After a lap with him I looked across the rink and saw my little baby girl skating all by herself in the midst of a crowd of big kids. She saw me and waved, wearing the biggest smile you’ve ever seen. Payton and I caught up to her and we finished together. I was so proud of them. No complaining or whining or giving up. They found the joy in the experience, even in the midst of falling and not knowing what they were doing. This is a lesson, I am afraid, that I have not taught them very well. Because I do not do it very well. So, I was welling up when I saw it in them. And even as we put our skates back and left, there were no tears or tantrums or pouts. Just two happy and content kids. Two happy and content parents. And one happy and content and tired baby. What a great day.
Skating all by himself
Skating with my girl
Her skates were too slippery
My joyful boy
And since we don’t have any pictures of Shiloh from my birthday, I’ll show you one of him trying on his Halloween costume.
I am Shiloh, hear me ROAR!
Thanks for all the birthday wishes. If I didn’t answer your call, which I probably didn’t, it was because I was driving or working out or taking a shower or skating. But I appreciate all of them. And this is proof that though there are some pretty crappy days, there are good ones too. So far, 31 has been WAY better than 30.
Lately I’ve been feeling like Lucy from Peanuts…”Stop the world! I want to get off!”
I am done.
Really done.
September and October have brought sickness, injury and trauma to our family. We’ve struggled to take care of each other only to find that we ourselves need taking care of. Just as one thing ends (or sometimes even before), another begins. Things are piling on and I have run out of hands to hold them with. Not worries or stresses or big picture things. Actual daily tasks. Taking care of people, the house, every day life, etc… We’ve all been through a lot and now, four days before my birthday, I find myself in charge of EVERYTHING in my house from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep (and many times after I fall asleep as well…”Mommy, I had a scary dream!”). I have no choice because my husband and my kids need me. In times of chaos and crisis you do what you gotta do, you know? Especially we who call ourselves “Mommy”. We shift into gear and get down to business, doing what’s necessary to keep our families afloat. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. That doesn’t mean you don’t get weary. That doesn’t mean you don’t want to run out the door screaming sometimes.
That’s how I felt tonight. I was tired. I didn’t want to make dinner. So I thought, “Let’s go out to a restaurant. One where I don’t have to carry the food to the table or get anyone’s plate ready or make sure we all have straws. That will be so nice.”
I was wrong.
It was NOT nice.
It was chaos, once again.
Just in a different place.
The kiddos were squirmy. The baby was screaming. Ellie didn’t want salad. Payton wanted help with his place mat activity. People were staring. Our waitress asked if we needed any help. No, I said. I’ve got it handled. I stood, holding the baby and swaying while I ate the first half of my pasta. Then I passed him off to his Daddy, who had already finished his meal. And I got to eat the second half of my pasta while listening to my little girl whine and whine and whine for ice cream. No, I said. You didn’t eat any salad. YOU SAID I COULD HAVE A TREAT!, she screamed. No I did not. And then we left. As fast as I could, I got out of that place, leaving my husband behind to pay for the food I barely got to eat and certainly didn’t get to enjoy.
As I walked in the front door to my house I looked around to see the chaos I was trying to escape by eating out. Toys all over the floor. Books, papers, water cups and pillows littering my sick man’s resting spot. Folded laundry that never got put away. Dirty bottles on the counter. Toothpaste on the kids’ bathroom rug.
I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t. I had kids to put to bed.
I wrangled the three of them into jammies and into bed. Mommy has no patience tonight, I said. Clean up this mess, I said. You’ve brushed those teeth for long enough, I said. Then I said goodnight. I think they knew better than to mess with me.
And as I sit at my computer after the day…no, week…no, month of chaos and catastrophe, I want this world to stop so I can get off. I want to pause the crazy and get off this train.
Then I hear it. “Mmmoooommmmmmyyyyyy!” I pause my pity party and sneak into their room. It’s coming from the top bunk. His water bottle is missing and he’s thirsty. He could have sworn it was right there! And now it’s gone. Did it disappear? No, I say, it’s on the coffee table. I go fetch said water bottle, fill it with fresh water and deliver it to sleepy boy. He smiles, says thank you and maintains eye contact (unusual for a 6 year old). He keeps smiling. Everything my heart needs is in that smile. I climb the tiny ladder, squeeze him with all my strength, kiss his sweet forehead and tell him I love him. I know, he says. And he curls up to go to sleep.
When it comes down to it, they need me. They really do. Most of the time that’s just the normalcy of our day. Sometimes it’s what drives me absolutely out of my mind crazy. Sometimes it’s what fills me up.
