Say You’re Sorry
Teaching a child to say they are sorry is somewhat easy. Teaching a child to be sorry is very difficult. Teaching my daughter either of these things seems downright impossible.
Miss E, my spirited little 4 year old, has begun to refuse to apoligize. Even when she knows she did something wrong. Even when it’s clearly making her sad. Even when I can see that she knows she needs to. She won’t say it. Won’t even look the person in the eye. Won’t, won’t, won’t. She looks at her shoes. She askes you to read her a book. She covers her ears. But she won’t apologize.
And now she won’t even pray to ask God’s forgiveness.
What do I do? I feel like I’ve tried everything, but I’m sure I haven’t. I have had her repeat after me. I have explained the importance of saying we are sorry in every way I know how. Why won’t she just do it??? I can see that she is sorry. I can see that she is embarassed. I can see that she understands. And I get so frustrated at her stubbornness! Or is it stubbornness at all? What could be happening in that little mind of hers? Really…I am asking. I don’t know where to go from here.
maybe not what you want to hear…but from all I’ve read on the attachment parenting style front is you say it for them. That is how I’ve done it, or I tell Ethan that his friend might not want to play with him because his feelings are hurt and that an apology might help. If he chooses not to I do it for him, something like “Sulli I am sorry that Ethan hurt you when he tackled you too roughly. I don’t believe he wanted to hurt you, however he did. I think he’d like to play with you more but I understand if you’re not ready to play with him.” I try to not speak for Ethan, but rather state what I see and speak only from that angle. I truly believe that kids will emulate their parents and that we can show them that they don’t need to be ashamed, but rather aware of how their behavior affects others. Sorry if that was long winded…it’s just something we deal with often and how I handle it
Sarah, thank you. I actually think Ellie would really respond to that. She does not like being put on the spot at all (unless she chooses it herself) but she watches and emulates what we do meticulously. Sometimes I get so focused on wanting to teach her something one way, that I don’t even see any other option. And we deal with this often also. She is comfortable apologizing to her brother, probably because she needs to so often or because she feels most safe with him, but she’s not comfortable with others. I think I need to shift to focusing more on how she affects others instead of how what she did was not ok. Love vs. rules… Ok, the wheels are turning now. It’s great when you finally see how to line up heat-of-the-moment parenting decisions with long-term life vision and beliefs.
You could also try Love and Logic approach – allow her to own her apology but set firm boundaries for what your home expects… for example… “Ellie, in our family, if we do something that hurts another person, we must apologize. I understand that it might be hard for you to do, so I will give you some time to think about how you want to do it. We would love for you to play with us after you apologize to your brother. When you are ready, you may come out of time out.” Then you and the rest of the group continue your play and don’t give her any other attention regarding the matter. If she comes out of time out, acknowledge her with, “Ellie, I’m so glad you are ready to apologize!” When she does it, calmly tell her how much you love her and how good it feels to say sorry to someone we hurt. If she pouts and refuses to apologize, just let her pout (in time out)… don’t own her apology – let her do it in her time (even if she has to miss a meal or an activity). Just another option….
I agree with Tamara. (No offense to Sarah, who I don’t know
) But I wonder what apologizing for your child teaches them in the long run…that YOU will be responsible for HER actions? I don’t know that, just wonder.
We use the Love and Logic approach A LOT…and as you can see by my perfectly behaved children, it works like magic! (NOT.) We do set firm boundaries though, and make our expectations VERY clear. I send Hayden to his bedroom often (daily, sometimes hourly) to take his time to change his attitude, say he’s sorry, eat his dinner, throw a fit, whatever the case may be. It gives him the time he needs to pull it together and rejoin what we’re doing on his terms…it’s basically giving them the control they want, but under your terms. I highly recommend Love and Logic for early childhood (birth to 6)…it’s really helped Hayden and I get along (or…give me boundaries that work for both of us).
I love your miss ellie. She came up and said the happiest hello to me this morning! Full of spark and passion, that one. Won’t it be fun to see what her sass and spunk turn into as an adult? I know she already brings big smiles to the Lord…can’t wait to see what that determination will do for HIM someday.
Oh…I do think it’s okay to apologize to someone else when your child has hurt them. Maybe Ellie does need to see it demonstrated “how to” apologize. Delores recommended to me to get really good at apologizing to my kids when I’ve done something wrong. “Sorry I yelled” or Sorry I hurt your feelings, will you forgive me?” I would maybe just not do it in a way that would take the ownership of it out of your kids hands. I would maybe apologize, and say that you really hope _____ will come back in a few minutes and apologize too.
I’m sure you’ll do great, whatever you decide to do!
From Poppa, not Nonna….so many rules and regulations…
What I have learned and observed is to make it simple. Let them breathe some. Give a 3 minute timeout. When the time is up YOU tell her that you forgive her or have Payton forgive her, etc. Be done with it, and let it go. She is only four. And no matter how bright and smart she is, no matter “she knows what she has done was wrong”. She is only four. I remember once you told Payton, “oops, bad choice”, and off he went into his room. I think you and Colin have done fantastic, and you know that is how I feel. But since you asked, maybe just relax some. Ellie will turn out fine. We all project out onto our kids, the fears about ourselves, and try to correct our own stuff onto others.
There is NO right or wrong way of dealing with kids. It is just different. You don’t need to worry. Ellie IS perfect, perfect in the sense that Jesus described children’s innocence. She does make a wrong decision now and then, but they are not deal breakers. As a four year old, can she comprehend the depth of asking for forgiveness…? Let her continue to see the love and affection, and forgiveness between you and Colin and whomever. She will model herself after you guys. You are setting the example, and THAT is teaching too. Heidi, I think you are a terrific mom. I would not change one thing about you. You cannot make a mistake. Continue to submit the Lord, and listen to the Holy Spirit. You are protected. Love and blessings , me.
what a great response!
I think attachment parenting is for us the best demonstration of how I feel God loves me – UNCONDITIONALLY! I don’t believe God tells us to go away when we’re bad, instead I feel called to his lap so he can help teach me the right way…therefor it is how I treat my children. I am not trying to argue with PP, but for my family this is the most Loving and Logical way for us to parent our children. There are so many ways to do things and for us it is best to teach every behavior and skill through demonstration, even if it takes 85years of showing it is how I will do it!
what a good conversation starter!
I like Poppa’s note. Ellie will come around, no matter what “method” is used. You show her God’s love everyday, you teach her the ways to follow Him, you are a fantastic mom!
OOOh I love this! And I too have a very strong willed child. I think I’ve done a lot of the above. Show by example. I apologize to her a lot and ask her forgiveness. Let her see you apologize to Colin (I’m not so good at apologizing to my hubby, but I’m working on it.) I definitely do the Love and Logic, “come back when you’re ready” and I also agree with the relax. She is four. Maybe take a mini time out from apologies. Not needing to apologize for every little thing (I don’t know if you’re trying to make her do this or not), but for a time save it for injuries or major things. If she’s strong willed, she may just be fighting you. So there…..I think it’s a great conversation and I like a lot of the responses.
Oh Poppa Rush made me cry! Agreed 100%…I read your post actually thinking, “GA, that happened today! What did people say?” I love the thoughts and responses people gave, but mostly, I love what Poppa said – YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOM!!! Your kids are gracious and kind and loving…and all so different from one another. What we do and how we act in our family will set the stage so much clearer than the ‘rules’ we place around them. Anyway, just wanted to concur that you are, in fact, one of the most amazing mommies ever…good and bad days!!