Sometimes
Sometimes I wish I had things together. Sometimes I wish I knew useful information I could share with the world. Sometimes I wish I could think positively about ANYTHING. Sometimes I want to be wise or informative or encouraging.
I like to read blogs. I learn so much about motherhood, natural living, cooking, gardening and how to follow the Lord more faithfully and passionately. I really, really enjoy reading blogs. And there are a few women I truly learn from daily. I treasure what I learn from them, and I want to be able to do the same for others.
Then I look at my life, my blog or my journal and I see a mess. I see a neurotic, cynical and sometimes shallow worrier. I see a mom who is hanging on by the skin of her teeth (and teeth don’t have skin). I see a homemaker who doesn’t clean the bathroom (I don’t know who does, but it’s not me). I see someone who has more questions than answers, more problems than solutions, more issues than encouragement. I even thought about pulling the plug on my blog this week because I can’t imagine someone wanting to read what I have to say. And if you are sitting there getting ready to comment and say “No, you’re great! Wonderful mom! Clean house! Great person!”, you can save it. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it. We just need to be honest here. I am a mess. It’s the truth, plain and simple.
So why would someone want to read my blog? I have no idea. I read blogs to become who I want to be. But this blog is who I am.
Sometimes I want to be perfect. But this is who I am. Sometimes I want to be wise. But this is who I am. Sometimes I want to be patient, thankful, prayerful, natural and have wonderful information flowing from my lips. But this is who I am. I am cynical, hopeful, busy, lazy, sarcastic, genuine, ordinary, artistic and uniquely myself.
Hope you still want to read.
Heidi, I love you! And I love your blog because I am a mess too and you make me feel more normal!
I totally understand what you’re saying (on this post and all the others). And I think it’s a really good thing that you’re honest about the things that you think about and struggle with. It’s exhausting and discouraging to me when everyone around me seems to always have it all together. So thank you for being real, and thank you for writing. Don’t pull the plug!
Um, have your read my last blog post? I am a mess too. I am really feeling it this week. (if you couldn’t tell that I barely rolled out of bed and into the shower to arrive 15 minutes late today…after staying up too late, doing what? Reading blogs.)
I am SO looking forward to a week with you. Getting to know more of the “real” you. I love what I do know. I love that you are so authentic…one of my fave traits in people is their ability to show the inside on the outside.
And…just for the record (even though you said to save it) I really am inspired by your blog. To think about my actions. To love intentionally. I really loved your writing on the missional community/post modern church stuff. That is good stuff, friend. Good stuff. I will read on, please don’t delete your blog!:)
simply…that is why we read.
I get tired of feeling not good enough from everywhere else in this world, from being ignored by old “friends” on such sites as facebook to being shunned at preschool gatherings because I admit that I don’t spank….ugghhh….it is a precious time for me to be able to read your blog and realize that I do fit, that I am okay, that I am just perfect enough for this life…I am truly thankful for your posts that allow me to see Gods love through you, even if just over the internet.
So, thanks
Certainly we all are a mess. No one has it together. We all struggle for an identity, a purpose, and thus lose sight of His purpose.
Perfection, hmmm, Jesus Christ, and then there was,…. uh, NObody.
I will be THE last to deny anyone their feelings. I believe you all. I hurt for you though as you spend your time trapped in this maze of circles. Satan loves how you are doing. He has you in a dark place. No light, no growth….or does he ?
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
6 For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. Romans 5:1-9 (NASB)
If you all have surrendered, then you are in process. A life time being perfected. Thank God for your trials, “give me more Lord if it glorifies You and grows our relationship.”
Aahhh, but you don’t know what I have been through….
In the BIG picture, the past is part of learning to forgive, and esteeming others.
MY perspective is that God does have a plan, and these trials are needed for us to grow, because without it, we will not be prepared for the next trial. Embrace it, He has you where He wants you….
I agree with everything they said! I’m a disaster without kids and I’m constantly in awe of how you keep it together with three kids! I love reading your blog and hearing your thoughts. Please don’t pull the plug!!!
No need to hurt for us Poppa. This is not depression or anything. I don’t think where we are is dark, I just think it’s honest. If I didn’t think I was a mess, I’d be a liar and blind to the truth of where I am in relation to Christ. The life of a mom, and a woman, and a human is such that we are constantly failing and falling short. I’m actually glad for my shortcomings. They keep my need for a Savior in perspective. He must become greater, I must become less, right? Even in my own mind. Though to keep his love for me and his passion for caring for me in the front of my mind is key to not being overcome by the sadness of the truth. I do fall short, but it has no bearing on the fact that my Savior is absolutely crazy about me.
My view of the glass is through a half empty mindset most of the time. It’s just how I think. Others are half full people. Same glass, different view.
As I understand it, we fall short in the eyes of God in our sin, not our imperfections. Then there is how we feel about ourselves, as an individual….
So I have a Q: who told you you were messed up? Who told Adam & Eve they were naked?
Okay… just a couple verses for you…
Psalm 139:14-15 – God knows everything about you… He made you that way… and you… you are breathtaking to God – EXACTLY like you are…
Now… I would encourage you…
Proverbs 23:7 – As you think in your heart, so are you…
If you aren’t digging the thoughts in your heart, you can change them… through the power of the Holy Spirit living in you, you CAN change those thoughts…
and one more –
Psalm 141:3 – “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”
It is an area we all have to work on – authentic and genuine are beautiful traits, but when we are continually speaking the negatives of life it can be like a leaking faucet. I think it is good to be an open book before the Lord and before those who know and love you purely… but learning to reign in some thoughts and to rebuke things that are not of “sound mind” is a good thing… I’m not there yet, but it is something my mom has talked to me about on many, many occasions – she isn’t there yet either – I think she and I are “off the same tree” – the “Brash Tree” I’ll call it – we say what we think when we think it and sometimes it just isn’t really healthy…
On that note… I appreciate your depth and your flaws and your ability to know who you are… and because you haven’t arrived at perfection – Amen! – your blog is just what it is meant to be – an on-line self-discovery journal – sometimes writing helps to see more clearly who you are, how you are percieved, how your thoughts really come across and when we see ourselves sometimes it isn’t pretty but the best thing is that God loves you despite it all and really… what else truly matters…. and…as the girls keep reciting from their church bible verse… “We love because God loved us first” – without His love how could we love ourselves or others… you are lovely and worthy of love and I hope your blog lives on for many, many years…
I do just have to add that I love reading your blog, Heidi! I love how genuine you are with where you are at. Your vulnerability here draws me in and makes me feel safe to be who I am and be where I am at too. Keep it up!
I know that when I come to your blog, heidi that it will be exactly where you are at. I love that. keep writing.
I sat down at the computer this morning (which I do rarely…to a fault even- as you know) just to catch up on your blog. I have missed not seeing you as much and missed not hearing your heart pour over onto the screen of this blog. I love that you are a mess, like me. I feel like sometimes people with blogs try to portray a view of themselves that is pretty and put together… That’s one of the reasons I hate blogs, facebook, etc. But you are refreshing, real, and a picture of who we are in Jesus that I, and obviously lots of others, really appreciate. Thank you for sharing your heart with whomever is willing to read. I love you friend.
THANK GOD YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE!! Heidi, I think it’s awesome, admirable and wonderful that you are able to be honest and vulnerable enough to admit you are a mess. My dear, we are all a mess…even those who look like they’ve got it all together. I LOVE your blog because it’s REAL!!! Some people are ducks…above the water they seem to be floating along so easily, peacefully and smoothly, making it look ‘easy’…but underwater, their little feet are going a million miles a minute and they aren’t getting very far and are very tired. I feel that way sometimes…anyway, all this to say, you are an amazing person and I appreciate you greatly. I wish we were closer, I wish we could share in the toughness of motherhood on a more regular basis, I wish we could fall apart together and laugh at the three different colors of mold growing in our showers together.
You ARE an amazing mom, because you are a real mom and you love your family. But, being a great mom doesn’t mean having it all together, it means being ok with the ‘mess’ that is life, loving the Lord with all we’ve got even when we suck at it and recognizing nothing/no one is perfect. Hooray for you for wanting to be ok with that, even when it’s hard to be ok with that. Ok, I’m done now. I love you and I think YOU, the real you, is a wonderful person. Don’t ever change! 
I love that everyone is admittingly a mess. Add my name to the list. My question is “why is being a mess such a big deal?” I’m a mess and there are areas in which I am in process, have been in process and will probably be in process forever. Can we accept the messy part just like I accept that I have brown eyes? It’s just what it is. Let’s all admit and embrace our messiness and not let it affect us.
Heidi, I read your blog because you are an amazing writer who doesn’t pull any punches – you’re not afraid to be real. And, often, I feel like you are inside my head because you write about things that I struggle with as well. I often find myself thinking that I should call you when I’m having a meltdown because I know you would understand. Please don’t stop writing!
Oh, and I also have no idea who cleans our bathroom.
Love you. S
Oh and one more thing, I have to shout out to Papa Rush…your words were powerful for me today. Powerful. Thank you for speaking the truth into my life, even though you didn’t know you were doing it.